This weekend I was holding a workshop for couples and families with children. Several times we came across the desire to get closer to their partner, to have a closer relationship.
In my opinion, and I have this experience, it is impossible to have a close relationship if I'm not in it. Now, you probably think that it is clear that you are in the relationship if you spend time with your partner, you live together with her/him, talk to each other, you have kids and common hobbies. However, in my opinion, it isn't such a commonplace as it may seem. There is a difference between "being" and "being". That what I am talking about is to show to my partner how I really feel, what I really think about things and him/her. With what I am satisfied and with what I'm not. When I feel good and when I don't. And about this "being in a relationship" I am talking about.
However, this isn't so easy because often if I would express how I feel it would be in a direct conflict with what I think is expected from me (or really is expected from me), and that means a conflict. So, I don't say or at least I slightly add some bending - once, twice, three times...... one hundred fifty times. But, imagine that you have said for exampel one hundred fifty times something else than how you really felt or what you really thought. And where are you then? Is it really you who is in the relationship? Well, I think that if I don't say things or I add some bending to them, it isn't really me anymore, and if it isn't me it is difficult to establish a close relationship with me. And if it is both partners who function in the relationship like that, then forget about it. No closeness can be created.
And yet, my experience is that if I go for it and I open the conflict, even though the process might be longer and often unpleasant, if me and my husband manage to go through it, afterwards we are closer to each other because we get to know each other better and each of us knows who he/she's lived with :-).
sobota 8. srpna 2015
I think that many of us have searched for the way how to deal with an uncontrollable child.
Or sometimes we call such a child - hyperactive.
Yesterday I was watching "Danny Collins" movie and there was one situation with parents and their hyperactive child. And I realized that these children are seen as being out of order, requiring special care, special approach and possibly some medications.
But I see it differently. During my work with children (either my own or somebody else’s) I’ve noticed that those children who are functioning this way are the children who don’t get limits from their parents. I see that many parents try to be always understanding and come meet their child's any need.
But the question is; for what world do we prepare them this way? Is it that life really functions in such a way that everybody always comes to meet all our needs (for example our boss at work or a teacher at school)? That we only think of something and immediately we have it fulfilled? Do we have such an experience that the world is always nice and kind?
Well, my experience is somewhat different. I don't know how about you but I've had to fight for pretty much all I have in my life. And things haven't come to me just because of my pretty eyes, that's for sure. So for me it is completely fine to function this way with my children as well. I want to prepare them for the real world which they would be facing very shortly. There are simply things which as a human being bother me, and I show it to my children. And then, there are things which I don't mind at all and there I let my children to do what they want.
The truth is that in many situations, I don't know how to react with them but mostly it is because I don't know what I really want. In the situation in which I manage to clear it up for myself it isn't such a big problem to deliver it.
As an example, one situation in which I managed it, occurs to me. My seven years old daughter wanted to take a cold shower during the day due to a hot weather. And she insisted that she would take the shower with her clothes on. First reaction which came on my mind (but I didn't say it loud) was “absolutely not”. Then I stopped myself and said myself: "so what, maybe she needs to experience how it feels. So what do I really mind about this idea"? Then I realized that the problem for me is that afterwards she would run around the flat in her wet clothes. So I told her she can do it but unless she dries up or unless she takes off her clothes and takes care of it (for example she hangs it on the balcony), she cannot leave the bathtub. She asked me about several possibilities which I offered her and at the end she decided that it is not worth the effort which is connected to it. She took shower only in her panties which she hang on and we both were satisfied.
However, that which I encounter every day pretty often is that many times it doesn't even occur to me to clear what I want up for myself. And then what happen is that I'm angry, I prohibit things, I yell and I fret that my children aren't as I would like them to be. But why should they be like this? How could they possibly know what I want and what I need? Actually, it is quite unrealistic and unfair to expect it from them.
And as I sit here now and write this I realize that many times I didn't manage
it today :-).
it today :-).
So, let's go to make clear what I actually want. I have an experience that in case I manage it and then comprehensibly announce it and deliver it to my children they become relaxed and friendly kids :-).